Chronicles of the Confounded Compass

I’m not sure when it started.
I think it was sometime in high school, but I can’t say for certain. So much of my life up to that point was basically a blur. One thing I am sure of is that it had something to do with the creeping realization that somehow I am very, very different from anyone around me.

I’ve always felt it growing up. Of course being a child, I just mimicked those around me, taking a bit here and a bit there. Eventually I put together enough to fashion a costume with which I was able to blend in. But I knew something wasn’t right. At that age, however, it appeared the cost of addressing and embracing this was too high. It was much better just to act like everyone else.

People always acted differently from myself. I never understood it, and to this day I still don’t. I hear people’s motivations for their actions, and they simply don’t affect me. But I tried, I tried to harness that energy that everyone else seemed to have in abundance, but I could never really tap into it.

People have always looked at me as wasted potential. Which is cool. I am the textbook example of wasted potential. Except I don’t see it as wasted. I just haven’t figured out where the motivation is. I’m closer now than ever, but still not there. It seems easy for people to answer the question of “Why?” with something like, “Because I have to.” Or “Because that’s the way it is.” In rare cases I understand. But 9.99 times out of 10 this is bullshit to me. It’s so blank. There’s no feeling there. There’s no real reason. WHY do you have to? Is there another way to go about it? WHY is that the way it is? Can you change it? Can you be better? THAT’S wasted potential.

I have a nasty habit of questioning things. Unfortunately I also have a habit of taking other’s words over mine. So I just end up questioning myself. That’s cool, because you have to learn to pick apart your thoughts and the subconscious framework that has been built by tradition, religion, society, etc. But I think there’s a place inside of you that knows what’s right. And sometimes, other people lead you astray.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “moral compass.” Everyone has one. The problem is they don’t really know how to use it. In this day in age we have mapquest and GPS (how’s this metaphor holding up? These are the frameworks programmed into our heads…. Getttt ittttt?), so what do we need a compass for? The problem is no one knows exactly where they’re going (though some might argue me on that), and it’s impossible to. Life changes every day, how can you choose one destination? I mean, if you want to cure cancer, you clearly need to be in the medical field, I get that. But that’s not the whole picture. That’s just what you DO. That’s your wikipedia page. What about the person that you are?

People don’t use their own compass because it takes practice.

It seems that there’s a perception that if you are binge drinker, sex addict, selfish, etc., then that’s what you’re going to be for the rest of your life. I don’t see it that way. I don’t see any problem with experimenting with lifestyles, and searching for one that suits you best. I mean there’s plenty of things that may be seen as morally objectionable, or at least questionable, by the general public. But to you it may seem fine. Conversely, there’s probably a good amount of things that are OK in society, but you think is fucked up.

If you just follow a predetermined map, you might be going against your internal moral compass for your whole life. But it’s easier. It’s safer. If you do something wrong, you’ll feel judged. You’ll feel like a lesser person. You’ll feel guilt. The most ridiculous, unfounded guilt.

Guilt is great, really. Guilt is just you calibrating your moral compass. It helps you. But the guilt I’m talking about is different. This is the guilt you feel when you do something, everyone tells you that you shouldn’t. And you don’t agree. But sometimes you disappoint people. Sometimes you even shame people with your actions. That guilt can kill the spirit.

Look, I know there’s a lot of people that deal with that. I know that for a fact, and I’ve always admired their strength. It’s not a roadblock. I’ve met people that have disappointed everyone in their family, but kept on trucking, because that’s what they believe. I just haven’t exactly figured out how to navigate that part.

[interjection: I could go wayyyy deep into the spiritual aspect of each and every person having an internal connection amongst one another, and how that connection is what I refer to as a God or Love or what have you, and how that is the internal guide that I’m really talking about here, but I won’t.]

Life is wide open, man. The roads that have been paved have enough for most people. But for some, their destination isn’t on the path that has been layed out. Some people have to explore a little to find what they’re looking for.

Good thing we have a compass.