M.I.A.

So, I haven't been posting much of my thoughts lately. And I've been feeling like I didn't have any TO post. But upon further analysis, I have found that to be untrue. Basically, on this quest for growth that I have undertaken, I realized at a certain point that I was doing a whole lot more talking than changing. I am very much and "learn by doing" type of guy so I decided to abandon the chatter and put my thoughts into action. It's been an uncomfortable couple of weeks but I'm starting to feel better. Now - before, I was constantly self-analyzing, constantly acting after meditation. It was confusing. Not all situations call for that. And it was misleading. Because not all situations allow for that.

There's a certain level of "who you are" that is strictly defined by instinctual gut reactions and analyses. Only by allowing this side to surface can you begin to improve upon it. It's a much deeper rooted set of programs, and its much more connected to your soul than all that "self-help" book subject matter. I've been attempting to reflect on this side of myself. I have found it to be a very cool, smart, witty, sharp, skilled, fun, side of myself. But at times a dark side, too. And a side that has many flaws of thought and action. Addressing the issues of this side of me is much more difficult, at times scary. Daunting, to say the least. But it must be dealt with. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.

Unfortunately, many of these flaws are deep in me. And though I may seem very up front with who I am in this blog, I'm very much still a reserved person. I have never been one to communicate very openly - I think I'm pretty good at pretending to be though. I find it damn near impossible to bear my soul like that to an INDIVIDUAL, let alone in a forum like this. I'm not sure why, but this is one of the things I'm talking about, one of the things that I have to address and fix, one of the things that I've realized affects every relationship I've had or will have, one of the things I have no idea how to change. Scaarrrryy.

That's why I haven't been posting much of my thoughts lately.