Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Chronicles of the Confounded Compass
I’m not sure when it started.
I think it was sometime in high school, but I can’t say for certain. So much of my life up to that point was basically a blur. One thing I am sure of is that it had something to do with the creeping realization that somehow I am very, very different from anyone around me.
I’ve always felt it growing up. Of course being a child, I just mimicked those around me, taking a bit here and a bit there. Eventually I put together enough to fashion a costume with which I was able to blend in. But I knew something wasn’t right. At that age, however, it appeared the cost of addressing and embracing this was too high. It was much better just to act like everyone else.
People always acted differently from myself. I never understood it, and to this day I still don’t. I hear people’s motivations for their actions, and they simply don’t affect me. But I tried, I tried to harness that energy that everyone else seemed to have in abundance, but I could never really tap into it.
People have always looked at me as wasted potential. Which is cool. I am the textbook example of wasted potential. Except I don’t see it as wasted. I just haven’t figured out where the motivation is. I’m closer now than ever, but still not there. It seems easy for people to answer the question of “Why?” with something like, “Because I have to.” Or “Because that’s the way it is.” In rare cases I understand. But 9.99 times out of 10 this is bullshit to me. It’s so blank. There’s no feeling there. There’s no real reason. WHY do you have to? Is there another way to go about it? WHY is that the way it is? Can you change it? Can you be better? THAT’S wasted potential.
I have a nasty habit of questioning things. Unfortunately I also have a habit of taking other’s words over mine. So I just end up questioning myself. That’s cool, because you have to learn to pick apart your thoughts and the subconscious framework that has been built by tradition, religion, society, etc. But I think there’s a place inside of you that knows what’s right. And sometimes, other people lead you astray.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “moral compass.” Everyone has one. The problem is they don’t really know how to use it. In this day in age we have mapquest and GPS (how’s this metaphor holding up? These are the frameworks programmed into our heads…. Getttt ittttt?), so what do we need a compass for? The problem is no one knows exactly where they’re going (though some might argue me on that), and it’s impossible to. Life changes every day, how can you choose one destination? I mean, if you want to cure cancer, you clearly need to be in the medical field, I get that. But that’s not the whole picture. That’s just what you DO. That’s your wikipedia page. What about the person that you are?
People don’t use their own compass because it takes practice.
It seems that there’s a perception that if you are binge drinker, sex addict, selfish, etc., then that’s what you’re going to be for the rest of your life. I don’t see it that way. I don’t see any problem with experimenting with lifestyles, and searching for one that suits you best. I mean there’s plenty of things that may be seen as morally objectionable, or at least questionable, by the general public. But to you it may seem fine. Conversely, there’s probably a good amount of things that are OK in society, but you think is fucked up.
If you just follow a predetermined map, you might be going against your internal moral compass for your whole life. But it’s easier. It’s safer. If you do something wrong, you’ll feel judged. You’ll feel like a lesser person. You’ll feel guilt. The most ridiculous, unfounded guilt.
Guilt is great, really. Guilt is just you calibrating your moral compass. It helps you. But the guilt I’m talking about is different. This is the guilt you feel when you do something, everyone tells you that you shouldn’t. And you don’t agree. But sometimes you disappoint people. Sometimes you even shame people with your actions. That guilt can kill the spirit.
Look, I know there’s a lot of people that deal with that. I know that for a fact, and I’ve always admired their strength. It’s not a roadblock. I’ve met people that have disappointed everyone in their family, but kept on trucking, because that’s what they believe. I just haven’t exactly figured out how to navigate that part.
[interjection: I could go wayyyy deep into the spiritual aspect of each and every person having an internal connection amongst one another, and how that connection is what I refer to as a God or Love or what have you, and how that is the internal guide that I’m really talking about here, but I won’t.]
Life is wide open, man. The roads that have been paved have enough for most people. But for some, their destination isn’t on the path that has been layed out. Some people have to explore a little to find what they’re looking for.
Good thing we have a compass.
I think it was sometime in high school, but I can’t say for certain. So much of my life up to that point was basically a blur. One thing I am sure of is that it had something to do with the creeping realization that somehow I am very, very different from anyone around me.
I’ve always felt it growing up. Of course being a child, I just mimicked those around me, taking a bit here and a bit there. Eventually I put together enough to fashion a costume with which I was able to blend in. But I knew something wasn’t right. At that age, however, it appeared the cost of addressing and embracing this was too high. It was much better just to act like everyone else.
People always acted differently from myself. I never understood it, and to this day I still don’t. I hear people’s motivations for their actions, and they simply don’t affect me. But I tried, I tried to harness that energy that everyone else seemed to have in abundance, but I could never really tap into it.
People have always looked at me as wasted potential. Which is cool. I am the textbook example of wasted potential. Except I don’t see it as wasted. I just haven’t figured out where the motivation is. I’m closer now than ever, but still not there. It seems easy for people to answer the question of “Why?” with something like, “Because I have to.” Or “Because that’s the way it is.” In rare cases I understand. But 9.99 times out of 10 this is bullshit to me. It’s so blank. There’s no feeling there. There’s no real reason. WHY do you have to? Is there another way to go about it? WHY is that the way it is? Can you change it? Can you be better? THAT’S wasted potential.
I have a nasty habit of questioning things. Unfortunately I also have a habit of taking other’s words over mine. So I just end up questioning myself. That’s cool, because you have to learn to pick apart your thoughts and the subconscious framework that has been built by tradition, religion, society, etc. But I think there’s a place inside of you that knows what’s right. And sometimes, other people lead you astray.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the term “moral compass.” Everyone has one. The problem is they don’t really know how to use it. In this day in age we have mapquest and GPS (how’s this metaphor holding up? These are the frameworks programmed into our heads…. Getttt ittttt?), so what do we need a compass for? The problem is no one knows exactly where they’re going (though some might argue me on that), and it’s impossible to. Life changes every day, how can you choose one destination? I mean, if you want to cure cancer, you clearly need to be in the medical field, I get that. But that’s not the whole picture. That’s just what you DO. That’s your wikipedia page. What about the person that you are?
People don’t use their own compass because it takes practice.
It seems that there’s a perception that if you are binge drinker, sex addict, selfish, etc., then that’s what you’re going to be for the rest of your life. I don’t see it that way. I don’t see any problem with experimenting with lifestyles, and searching for one that suits you best. I mean there’s plenty of things that may be seen as morally objectionable, or at least questionable, by the general public. But to you it may seem fine. Conversely, there’s probably a good amount of things that are OK in society, but you think is fucked up.
If you just follow a predetermined map, you might be going against your internal moral compass for your whole life. But it’s easier. It’s safer. If you do something wrong, you’ll feel judged. You’ll feel like a lesser person. You’ll feel guilt. The most ridiculous, unfounded guilt.
Guilt is great, really. Guilt is just you calibrating your moral compass. It helps you. But the guilt I’m talking about is different. This is the guilt you feel when you do something, everyone tells you that you shouldn’t. And you don’t agree. But sometimes you disappoint people. Sometimes you even shame people with your actions. That guilt can kill the spirit.
Look, I know there’s a lot of people that deal with that. I know that for a fact, and I’ve always admired their strength. It’s not a roadblock. I’ve met people that have disappointed everyone in their family, but kept on trucking, because that’s what they believe. I just haven’t exactly figured out how to navigate that part.
[interjection: I could go wayyyy deep into the spiritual aspect of each and every person having an internal connection amongst one another, and how that connection is what I refer to as a God or Love or what have you, and how that is the internal guide that I’m really talking about here, but I won’t.]
Life is wide open, man. The roads that have been paved have enough for most people. But for some, their destination isn’t on the path that has been layed out. Some people have to explore a little to find what they’re looking for.
Good thing we have a compass.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
How a 10 year old made me feel like an ASS
my cousin had just finished eating some mcdonalds
him - finished
me - gross
him - what?
me - mcdonalds
him - oh... yeah, i dont eat it all the time but if we go i'll eat it
me - its still bad for you
him - SMOKINGS WORSE
him - finished
me - gross
him - what?
me - mcdonalds
him - oh... yeah, i dont eat it all the time but if we go i'll eat it
me - its still bad for you
him - SMOKINGS WORSE
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"i hate patterns".... a poem... you know, one of those that doesnt have to rhyme
i hate alarms set for the same time
sun in the same place when i open the blinds
same people on the same schedule
on to the same job
same cars same wife waving bye from the door
same cereal every morning, same news channel on
same weather report, and same as before they're wrong
while we think the same thoughts, we sing the same song
same radio station playing the same corny shit
or guy cracking jokes like his humor is the cure for both AIDS and Cancer
or guy spitting facts to make us feel smarter
same masks every day
same bullshit from the same people
same bubble that i live in that tells me to change
same desire not to listen
same feeling like i failed
same people that hate out loud
same people that listen
in the same way same as yesterday
i see its the same difference
seriously, i hate dinner at the same time
not that i hate family its just that it bores me to death
same questions, same replies
how was your day, oh it was fine
such and such happened
i told you that bitch crazy
same battles, same victories
same trophies, same speeches
same morals, same preachers
same lessons, same teachers
i see the same rerun
every goddamn day
same life that is wasted
same passion that has died
at the consistent hands of habit
same smiles that we sport
and on the inside
same tears that are cried
that's why
i'm selling my TV
sun in the same place when i open the blinds
same people on the same schedule
on to the same job
same cars same wife waving bye from the door
same cereal every morning, same news channel on
same weather report, and same as before they're wrong
while we think the same thoughts, we sing the same song
same radio station playing the same corny shit
or guy cracking jokes like his humor is the cure for both AIDS and Cancer
or guy spitting facts to make us feel smarter
same masks every day
same bullshit from the same people
same bubble that i live in that tells me to change
same desire not to listen
same feeling like i failed
same people that hate out loud
same people that listen
in the same way same as yesterday
i see its the same difference
seriously, i hate dinner at the same time
not that i hate family its just that it bores me to death
same questions, same replies
how was your day, oh it was fine
such and such happened
i told you that bitch crazy
same battles, same victories
same trophies, same speeches
same morals, same preachers
same lessons, same teachers
i see the same rerun
every goddamn day
same life that is wasted
same passion that has died
at the consistent hands of habit
same smiles that we sport
and on the inside
same tears that are cried
that's why
i'm selling my TV
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Me dicen el desagradecido
pero esa no es la verdad.
Manu Chao - "Desaparecido"
go look up the translated lyrics
Manu Chao - "Desaparecido"
go look up the translated lyrics
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The Suburban Plight
Ok, so poor people got it tough right. I mean, the lower class not only has to battle gravity, digging themselves out of a place which they may or may not have gotten themselves into (usually not). Maintaining the daily struggle with enough energy to be visionary. Chasing something that's so far away that you can't even see it, you just HEARD its there. Fighting against stereotypes, which are so stifling and omnipresent that they convince the individual of who they are, without they themselves having any say in the matter. Fighting against what Lupe so appropriately deemed "The Cool." Good grades mean you're a nerd. Being the gold standard of a THUG is called being "real." And they live in the "trap." Like, how are you supposed to supposed to get out of some place that you feel you're trapped in? Fuck that word.
It's not all psychological, but a good chunk of it is.
I'm saying all this so you don't look at the subsequent paragraphs as an observation of a closed-minded spoiled suburban kid. Not to say that I'm not, but that's not ALL it is.
I was thinking about the battles I fight in my life, and I think the reason people lose their own personal battles is that they fail to realize who the real enemy is.
Enough setup. The Suburban Plight.
Begin historically inaccurate hypothetical scenario:
Let's go back 50, 60, 70 years. Let's look at what our great-grandparents had. Most likely not much. Now let's look at the ideal of success from that perspective. The perspective of never being on the other side of the fence. I mean, their lawn looks so lush and soft. I could just walk barefoot on it. I want that. I want my kids to have that. So they take what opportunity they have. Maybe working at a factory making peanuts. But supporting the family. Sending the kids to school.
So our grandparents were a little better off right? They graduated high school. They had more opportunities. No longer the bottom of the barrel but by no means standing on top of it. Wrong side of the fence. So they bust their ass too. They put our parents in college.
Nice. Now our parents have higher education. But it's still a struggle. This is not a path that their circle is familiar with, so they're trailblazing. But they did it, they got a good job. Food is always on the table. Lights are always on. AND the kids can play Sonic the Hedgehog in their very own bedroom. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
So we've come a long way. Then there's me. We're comfortable, sure. But something isn't right. We don't seem as happy anymore. It's like the struggle isn't there anymore. But where did it go? We're SO CLOSE. Maybe too close.
We can see the next step, we're right on the fence and we can talk to the kids next door. We can see what happens when you become rich. And we realize, life was better back in the day. I don't want that, I'd rather just play football with the neighborhood kids.
So we're at a crossroads: Think of a relay race. We started behind and our great-grandparents and grandparents busted their asses so we could catch up. Our parents are tied up. Finish line is close. They hand the baton off.
End historically inaccurate hypothetical scenario.
I don't want it.
The Suburban Plight.
It's not all psychological, but a good chunk of it is.
I'm saying all this so you don't look at the subsequent paragraphs as an observation of a closed-minded spoiled suburban kid. Not to say that I'm not, but that's not ALL it is.
I was thinking about the battles I fight in my life, and I think the reason people lose their own personal battles is that they fail to realize who the real enemy is.
Enough setup. The Suburban Plight.
Begin historically inaccurate hypothetical scenario:
Let's go back 50, 60, 70 years. Let's look at what our great-grandparents had. Most likely not much. Now let's look at the ideal of success from that perspective. The perspective of never being on the other side of the fence. I mean, their lawn looks so lush and soft. I could just walk barefoot on it. I want that. I want my kids to have that. So they take what opportunity they have. Maybe working at a factory making peanuts. But supporting the family. Sending the kids to school.
So our grandparents were a little better off right? They graduated high school. They had more opportunities. No longer the bottom of the barrel but by no means standing on top of it. Wrong side of the fence. So they bust their ass too. They put our parents in college.
Nice. Now our parents have higher education. But it's still a struggle. This is not a path that their circle is familiar with, so they're trailblazing. But they did it, they got a good job. Food is always on the table. Lights are always on. AND the kids can play Sonic the Hedgehog in their very own bedroom. SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
So we've come a long way. Then there's me. We're comfortable, sure. But something isn't right. We don't seem as happy anymore. It's like the struggle isn't there anymore. But where did it go? We're SO CLOSE. Maybe too close.
We can see the next step, we're right on the fence and we can talk to the kids next door. We can see what happens when you become rich. And we realize, life was better back in the day. I don't want that, I'd rather just play football with the neighborhood kids.
So we're at a crossroads: Think of a relay race. We started behind and our great-grandparents and grandparents busted their asses so we could catch up. Our parents are tied up. Finish line is close. They hand the baton off.
End historically inaccurate hypothetical scenario.
I don't want it.
The Suburban Plight.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
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