fucking up in the twenty ten - the first whine of the first month

somethings been fucking with me for a while now

i was on a high when i got my job - it was the welcome mat to adulthood, the ceremony for my induction into a new world which i wasnt worthy of membership into before. but now - now i deserve it. Now i can take care of bills, and afford rent, and pay my loan. i can take care of my car and buy nicer clothes. i can afford to take a girl out on a date, and not have to balance my checkbook to fill a tank of gas. i can be an adult... this is the moment everyone s been waiting for.

but i never heard the requiem for my bad habits.

i dunno what it is about me, just feel like i cant get right. i still wake up late, though so far i have been very skillful at staying under the radar - reminds me of high school. i'm half asleep at work - reminds me of high school. i didnt like high school much so i dont like being reminded of it.

the first couple weeks were exciting - there was so much to learn and i was eating it up. but i started to trail off. i got a little bored one day and my mind started to wander. i started surfing the net more, playing brickbreaker on the blackberry they gave me to check emails with. being an all-around bum. i've been handling my workload easily but not going above and beyond like i was the first week.

i'm starting to feel this creeping, daunting monotony sweeping over my soul every morning i'm stuck in traffic. i'm sitting there hoping it clears up quicker so i make it to work on time. every day. so every day starts off feeling the same. and that does bad things to my productivity.

and i've seen this trend happen before.. and its all part of a slow decline. its always felt more devastating than it actually was, because the one thing i hate more than people wasting my time, is feeling like i'm wasting someone else's time. and thats been happening here and there... i guess i just felt like i would adjust better to this new lifestyle but i'm having a reaction thats snapping me back to my old ways. like i said i just can't get right.

i would love to just live life as a vagrant... but i'm starting to realize the one thing about vagrants is they're usually alone, and struggling. i love people but i've always been socially "sdkjfbsdlfkgjb" if that makes any sense. Which is further evidence at my inability to fit the standard of adultness. i have recurring problems that should not recur.

This isnt another one of my blogs criticizing the rest of the world and how i dont want to fit in it. I do want to fit in, and I recognize the merits of fitting in, but i just cant seem to do it. i look around and see everyone as either successful or on the way there. Theres people that are crashing and burning as their life spirals out of control falling victim to their vices, but i don't really see them too much.

i think i've been having this anxiety that i'm just not cut out for the real world. but what does that even mean? give up? what? its a foolish concept. i mean honestly functionally retarded people can take care of themselves, why is it that i feel like i cant?

i recognize that alot of these thoughts are colored darker by my current state of mind, and because i tend to be quite bipolar, i try to reserve any decision making until i'm a little more clear headed.

so anyway i've been feeling like shit because i'm an all around fuck up and i'm in a world where being an all around fuck up is not tolerated in the least bit. but i've been able to handle my shit before... its interesting i had 2 jobs at one point 1) during the day as a lifeguard, and 2) overnight at mcdonalds... and i handled both relatively easily, did a good job, and still had a good time. at a certain point, working became hard for me. i dunno if it was because i realized that i was the only one that gave a fuck about my job, and the ones that didnt got paid the same if not more then me, and became resentful... or maybe i should just call it what it is and say that i'm just lazier.

ive always been fairly self-destructive but i feel like i might be dealing fatal blow to myself if i dont do something about this

i'm bouncing around - trying to follow a train of thought but i have no thought in particular i guess i'm just throwing my shit on the table and hoping a pattern emerges, because my tires are spinning right now.

all i know is this shit has to stop because it is really hard to be creative when you feel like you suck, and i know i could be having so much more fun right now... shit pisses me off