and so the story goes...

ok this is a personal post. and im gonna try to write it in 10 minutes

ive been broke, ive been working. ive been going home. ive been staying mostly to myself.

mostly because i havent done anything and i have nothing to talk about. there a life update. now.

i have this idea in my head that im some kind of agent. like im on a deep undercover mission. but im way too deep undercover, and i cant keep contact with the outside without compromising their safety.

ive pretty much gotten over the "all my fucking parents fault" thing and ive went out on a limb with my life, a little bit. i was so sure this was the right thing - the only thing - to do.

when i made that decision i didnt have a clue what itd really be like. that being said i dont regret it for one second, i just say that to remove all though of "courage" or "risk taking" that not me at all. i needed some freedom, i needed to wake up, and i needed to fucking make a decision for my self for once

i told myself that im on a mission, like this is all part of the plan. yeah it sucks for now but, one day soon, ill have my space, my freedom. ill be able to do beautiful things and connect with beautiful people and go beautiful places. i just have to deal with this throbbing, pulsating, steam engine machine for a few years

but sometimes i feel like im too deep undercover. ive never been grounded in reality, and im worried that if i dont come down some from this fantasy im gonna completely fucking lose it. im starting to lose track of that feeling of confidence about what i want to do. thats the fucking dream and if i lose that, im up shit creek.

because ive chosen this path, whether i like it or not, and this is the lifestyle ive allowed to happen. there is literally no turning back.

the only thing i can do is stop being a double agent. this is not an easy mission to stay committed to. but i promised myself i would. that voice just gets quiet sometimes.

i guess theres no point to this. i just hope i dont run out of gas before im ever able to do anything positive

phew, ok